This is really dark. I’m sorry.

So there is this show called Girls that comes on HBO. I’ve never watched it, never wanted to. Looked kinda stupid.

Adam Driver, who plays Kylo Ren in the new Star Wars trilogy, apparently also plays on the show. I just found this out a few days ago. I had never seen Adam in anything other than Star Wars. I really liked him in The Force Awakens. He was….mysterious and dark and intense. Powerful. He had a temper like no other. In fact it was his anger that caught my attention. The raw, volatile nature of his personality. Characters like that, like Kylo Ren, always call to me because I have a hard time being angry at people. I don’t let it happen, I push it down. Ignore it. Turn it in towards my self, reshape it into blame or self hate. I did something wrong. It’s my fault. Years of taking whatever was thrown at me and being satisfied with the scraps of the human ability to love. That’s just how I’ve always been.

But sometimes it catches up to me. Horrible days where I hate everyone and everything. I spend hours writhing in my own skin, feeling like I want to cry and vomit and scream until the my throat explodes. Feeling like I would set the whole world on fire if I could. Like I would dance in the flames and play in the ashes; cry so hard and feel so happy that everything was finally quiet and that I was finally alone. I love seeing characters like Kylo Ren because deep down I know exactly what that kind of raw rage is like and I anxiously wait in fear, and excitement, for the day I finally explode and let it go like he does. It’s horrible but it has to happen eventually or I will die with this pain inside me.

I’m sure you’re wondering what any of that has to do with the show Girls. Well, technically, nothing. But it did make me think about this, and here’s why:

Like I said, I’d never seen Adam in anything other than Star Wars. He was amazing in The Force Awakens, but it was The Last Jedi that really made me love both Kylo, as a character and Adam, as an actor. Adam is so amazing. Kylo’s anger was just as powerful as before, but it was the unexpected and, I think, unintentionally vulnerability of his interactions with Daisy Ridley’s (who is also extremely talented) Rey that gave me a glimpse into his range as an actor. I wanted to see more of his work. And it was like the universe knew that I was beginning to take an interest in Adam Driver, the same way I took an interest in Benedict Cumberbath and Martin Freeman (Stars of BBC’s Sherlock.)

As a brief side note: My best friend’s mother said to me “When you take an interest in someone, you have to know as much as I can about them as soon as I can. You wanna know whether or not your interest is well founded. That they deserve it.” This may not seem like a big thing, but none of you really know me. So you aren’t aware of the fact that my interest in other human beings does not stem very far from my immediate family. It’s awful, but true. I tend not to actually care about people in more than a very general human decency type of way.

I included this because it was like the universe was also aware of that about me. Suddenly Adam was everywhere. Posts about him on Pinterest would pop up. More Kylo Ren/Reylo centric posts were appearing on my dash. Clips of interviews would be suggested to me on youtube. All of this was extremely odd because, while I am a huge Star Wars nerd, it’s not something I actively look into. It’s not a constant present obsession. Or it wasn’t, until recently. So…beyond a few general posts about Star Wars here or there, there was nothing to warrant the onslaught that I’ve been getting and certainly nothing to warrant the Adam specific posts.

Enter- Girls.

I found out he was on the show and said “Well if he’s in it, I’ll give it a shot.” I know it’s probably horrible to watch something just because an actor you like plays in it but honestly, who hasn’t done that before? Anyway, I haven’t watched it yet, but one of the clips suggested to me on Youtube was of this scene from Season 5 where his character (who’s name is also Adam, I think) and this other character named Jessa got into this huge argument. I clicked it because a) I wanted to see him act in something other than Star Wars, b) the fact that the first non interview clip of him suggested to me was an argument scene kinda sounded like divine intervention and c) it also gave me chance to see if Girls was really something I would wanna watch, whether or not Adam was in it.

So I clicked on it, I watched it, posted an obnoxiously long comment on it, and rewatched it about 500 times.

I have no idea if this episode aired before he was cast as Kylo Ren, but if it was, there is not a doubt in my mind that this scene is was got him a call.

I have no real context for what was happening, just the bits I put together from their argument, but it was enough to know that Adam was the ex-boyfriend of Jessa’s best friend, Hannah. For some reason they were fighting about her, I assume because of the guilt Jessa felt for being in love with Adam. In this argument it is clear that these people, at least in some level, have a very dysfunctional and somewhat emotionally abusive relationship. Both characters go full Kylo Ren in this scene. Screaming, cursing, throwing stuff. Just generally throwing tantrums just like in The Force Awakens. There was this one particularly part in the scene where Jessa tries to leave and Adam grabs her from behind to stop her from leaving and screams “No, you’re not going anywhere. I’m not gonna let Hannah break us apart! I’ll fucking run her over with a car if I have too!”

After more yelling and fighting and throwing stuff, Jessa runs into the bathroom and closes the door, locking him out. He screams at her to come out, to open the door, but she ignores him. So, in true Kylo fashion, he proceeds to punch a very large hole in the door. He stops and he’s panting really hard, hair all in his face. He looks insane. He looks wrecked. She comes out from behind the door and stares and him through the hole and says “You kidding me?” He takes a really deep, shuddering breathe. It’s obvious he’s trying to get himself under control. Then he says “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He sounds exactly how he looks. Wrecked and terrified.

There was more to the clip but those two parts of the scene and those bits of dialogue are what made me write this novel length post.

Let’s start with the first one: “No, you’re not going anywhere. I’m not gonna let Hannah break us apart! I’ll fucking run her over with a car if I have too!”

I read in the comments that love is not what this scene depicted. It is not “physically restraining someone from leaving.” I’ll be honest, I agree. The perfect ideal love is nothing like what was shown in the clip. They were angy and hurting each other. Adam was pissed and scared and desperate and absolutely unwilling to let her go. It’s unhealthy, it’s abusive, it’s dangerous. But here’s something that I feel like no one is willing to acknowledge. There are people, real people– like Kylo Ren, like this character Adam- who are volatile like this. They can’t control their temper. They can’t let go of the things, the people, they love. And they do love them. Nothing anyone ever says will tell me that, as fucked up as it is, this is not a kind of love.

I am one of those people. I’ve spent, literally, my entire life suppressing it, but what he does in this clip is how I feel on those horrible days when my anger takes over. That is what we are. That is what we do. I’m not saying we should just accept it. Because yes, it is bad. Yes, it is something that people like that- like us, need to work on. But we’re not bad people. More often then not, we’re more human than anyone else. The way we feel, as deep and intense as it goes, is the most human thing possible. And it doesn’t just apply to anger. It applies to fear, it applies to happiness, it applies to love.

He wasn’t going to let her go. He couldn’t let her go. And as horrible as this is, I hope to god they never break up. I want them to get better, I do, but I want them to do it together. Loving someone that much and then losing them will break a person. Make them even more unstable. So yes, I hope that those horrible, fucked up, abusive people stay together because there is a beauty in dysfunction. There is beauty in pain, in suffering. It’s there. No one wants to see it or acknowledge it because it’s a horrible thing. But it is there.

And for people….people like me who have never really felt like they were loved or wanted, for those people, this is something that maybe the secretly want. They want someone to care this much, to need them this much. I don’t care about being loved by everyone. I don’t care about money or power or recognition. I don’t want to be the centre of the whole world. But maybe I’d like to be the centre of just one person’s. Maybe I’d be happy to just be everything to one person. Someone who yells and breaks things and tries to stop me from leaving them. Someone who loses all control because they need me that bad.

Love is selfish.

I believe that. I’ve seen nothing to tell me otherwise, and that’s okay. Be selfish. Fight for the person you love.

The second line: “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

His voice. His face. His everything when delivering this line is what convinces me that his character loves and needs the other. Right after this line they go back to shouting insults at each other but in this one moment, my heart broke. My heart broke because he meant it. And he was scared. He knew he did something wrong. He knew he shouldn’t have been doing….really any of it. Adam’s (Driver) talent in just this one line is exactly what I’ve been looking for. It’s what I needed to see. I’m sold on him, I will watch anything he plays in for the rest if his career because god I wanted nothing more than to hold this man in that moment. I wanted to scream at Jessa for not doing exactly that.

I’ve always, always, been more connected to fictional characters than real people. Another terrible fact about me. Humans- I could care less, but I will cry until my eyes dry up over someone who doesn’t even exist. The tragic backstory to that statement isn’t really relevant to this post. Maybe I’ll really open up about it someday, but for now the purpose of this post is to show and explain that something unhealthy like this isn’t necessarily something evil or avoidable or anyone’s fault.

People are wired certain ways. And you can patch them up, try to repair them- I encourage you to, but please don’t sit on your phones and your computers and condemn people for things they cannot control. Shame people into feeling like something is horribly wrong with them. Because guess what? We know. We know we’re broken. And some of us, maybe not all of us, but definitely a lot of us are trying. Trying to fit your definition of normal, of healthy.

Please don’t twist this into some kind of post about being a mental illness enabler. I suffer from depression, from anxiety, from PTSD, from probably a million other things that I haven’t been diagnosed with because I can’t talk about things. I can do this, I can reveal parts of myself like this through writing, but it’s impossible for me to do vocally. I do not speak up. I hide and cower until I have to isolate myself because the possibility of doing something, the temptation to hurt and to just destroy is too strong and I don’t know if I can really fight it. I encourage every one to talk and to get help and take medicine if you need to. I want and hope and pray that anyone who feels even a fraction of the way I do almost every day, finds the strength to get the help they need.

I just want it to be acknowledged that some people are so broken that this scene- this horrible, amazing, painful, beautiful scene is something good to them. To us. To me. Because it means someone actually cares for once.

I am so sorry for everything I’ve just said and I for everything I feel. I know I shouldn’t feel or think this way but I do and I. Am. Trying.

This video could possible be very triggering, so only click this link if you feel like you can handle it or if you’re one of those people, again like me, who just need to understand the context for this post.

Thank you.

This isn’t really England or even country related, but it’s still an important post I would like to reach the wider audience I have access to on here. This is written by my best friend cee and I know there’s an awful lot of kylo ren and Adam driver hate on this hellsite but please don’t be a dick about it. I know some people will but this isn’t about him, it’s about parallels she feels with him and an exploration of her own feelings.